Baby Ollie

Our friend, Jennifer, recently sent me these pics. They're from a cook-out when Ollie was just nine months old. It's amazing to me how much he has grown and changed in the eight months following these photos! This is Ollie and Jennifer.

Ollie & Mama

As I'm struggling to survive finals (one more paper to go!!!!), my weary mind gets more sentimental than usual. Seeing these photos of my little boy put me in a reflective mood, and I find myself going "back to the beginning." If you're not in the mood for sentimentality...skip my Mama ramblings...and enjoy the pics. :)

While I cannot determine a specific date on which my relationship with Ollie began (I sometimes feel as though there never was an origin and that we have always been connected, in some way. Perhaps, this is what some refer to as "the glimmer in the eye."), I remember clearly the week I knew definitively that I was pregnant. The week began with a brazen invitation--maybe, even a dare to the unknown. I cut off all of my hair in a "bring-it-on" type gesture to life. My entire life up until that point, I had had long locks--a sign of my discomfort with change and the unknown, perhaps. But, one morning, I woke up and thought, "This is it. Life is gonna happen whether I'm ready for it, or not. So, bring it on. Bring on the change. Bring on the mystery. Bring on the unknown. I can take it." I stopped by a salon on my way to work and asked for the shortest pixie cut they could give me. It was exhilarating, and I survived. Bring it on, Life.

The next afternoon, I received an acceptance letter in the mail regarding graduate school. Wow. Life was taking my invitation to the unknown seriously. This would mean changes. It had been years since I had been in an academic setting. Would I have what it takes? Was I setting myself up for failure? Had someone made a mistake in admitting me? In addition, I'm a Midwestern girl. How would my husband and I fare on the East Coast? Was I really prepared to ask him to leave his home, his family, and a career and reputation for which he had worked so hard--for me? Would we be able to face this unknown together? Alright, Life. I can do this. We can do this. How exciting! What an adventure! Bring it on, Life.

Life doesn't fool around with open invitations and brazen dares. The next morning, after about a week of not feeling well, I took a pregnancy test. Alright Life, you've got to be kidding me. This is a joke, right? Maybe you misunderstood. I guess I was thinking one unknown guest would arrive, stay for a while, and we would get comfortable with one another before another guest came a-knocking. But now, I had a guest who had entered unaware and taken up long-term residence. I always knew I would be ready for this...someday. With names like mine (and the biblical figures that share them), I used to joke that "someday" would be when I was in my nineties. Was this really someday? I was overcome with uncertainty, bewilderment, and even fear. How was I going to be able to move across country--away from home and loved ones, prove myself at a competitive and venerated institution, and give birth, become a mother, and care for another human being who would be so vulnerable and so dependent upon me?

As I face the doubts and unknowns of finals, I am reprocessing much of what I experienced that week and the next many months. I thought I was ready for the unknown; however, when it arrived, I was overcome with doubt and trepidation. But, Life rolled on. My husband and I lived into Life; we lived into the unknown. We left our home, moved across country. He found a job in a well-respected French restaurant; I immersed myself in the exhilerating world of academia. And...we rejoiced and prepared, as best we could, for our biggest unknown--the arrival of Ollie.

He was born just before finals fall semester. Each day with him is another day of inviting the unknown to sit at my table, to enter my home and my heart. Facing the unknowns in learning to care for Ollie is like staring at a "Magic Eye" picture. The more I try to concentrate, focus, figure everything out, the less I am able to see. As soon as I allow my eyes to relax, I am granted a moment of clarity when the outline of the image takes form. I do not know what tomorrow will hold--if I will live up to my role as Ollie's mother and caregiver. But, I have hope. And I know that I am capable of breathing, letting go, and living into the unknown--into the unknown with hope. Bring it on, Life!

Aunt Jennifer came for a visit this spring. We LOVED it and wish she could have stayed much longer! We miss her soooooo much! And, we can't wait to see her, Uncle D.R., and the boys (and her new baby) this summer!